Regardless, Lisa (the wonderful incredible and inspirational Lisa) suggested that due to the nature of my mini adventure (pack up my life, move to a new state, drive 20 hours by myself, arrive in a town where I haven't yet got a house or job - no biggie) i should track my thoughts and 'moments'. Good idea Lisa!
So for all you who don't know what I am doing (and lets be honest - a part of me doesn't know either) I am moving to Melbourne tomorrow. Well... driving TOWARDS Melbourne. It is a 20 hour journey and I do not possess superhuman truckie abilities yet. Today is the day that I pack my car in anticipation for the 6am start tomorrow morning. Today is the day that I make ruthless decisions about what I "really need" or not. Today is the day that I see just how much weight my Yaris can take. Let's all take a moment to knock on some wood!
So I am moving in winter - and usually the first people comment on when I tell them what I am doing. Yes I am aware that it is going to be crazy cold. Yes I am willingly giving up the mild, blue skied Gold Coast "winter" for the horrendousness of Melbourne. But I do it with hope. With faith (not for good weather, that would just be naive). I do it with the belief that the joy i obtain from the rest of my life will outweigh the weather. That my life, my circumstances and my attitude will be the metaphorical "ray of sunshine". Naive? Perhaps. But i have realised that i am not allowed to complain about a situation unless i am active in doing something to change it. And now, this is my change. I am aware that I may be slightly disillusioned when I move there, and that Melbourne does not provide all that I am looking for (who I am I kidding - the food is enough!) but at least then I can say "hey I tried, it didn't work, and now I can scratch it off my list". I wanted to move early last year after visiting my cousin in the very delightfully ethnic Coburg. Something about having a Turkish Italian and Greek cafe all on opposite corners of the intersection made me swoon. I had big plans to move, but let FEAR get in my way. Fear of what I would do, fear of not having my family, fear of having to make a new "support group" of friends, and most stupidly, fear of what I would do with my stuff. The "stuff" in my life was truly the biggest weight holding me down:
Itunes just answered my "how will I caption this" dilemma by playing Sara Bareilles - "Car is parked. Bags are packed. But what kind of heart doesn't look back"... This heart!
A part of me is embarrassed to admit the hold that physical objects had on my life decision. Especially when i consider myself a bit of a nomad with all of my desires to travel. But i have realised since being back from my 2 month harvest trail/vision quest (as such) that i can be the happiest i have ever been in my life with a few t-shirts, something to keep me warm and a toothbrush. Travelling in a van for over 4000km in 2 months really pulled things into perspective. i was happy. i didn't have my Bodum glass or hair straightner. i didn't have my plethora of scarves or my mountain of books. I didn't even have jewellery. And yet I felt the most confident, content and secure I have in years. Funny how things work out right?
Turns out it is easier to catch chickens without makeup on.
So before I lost this nomadic ability to just go from one place to another with confidence in my ability to manage, I made the decision to move to Melbourne when I got back from my trip. I admit, lying in my bed for the first time after driving for 11 hours, a part of me did say "oooooh but I am sure that I can make living on the Gold Coast work.... I am sure that I can make myself happy" but the next morning I woke up and the fear wasn't there anymore. I just started organising my life.
Doing this has really made me realise what is important in life. It is certainly not possessions - if anything, they hold one back from experiencing true joy as one is always fearful of not having enough, or losing what they have (well, in my case anyway). It isn't even location (although I still consider Cinque Terre my "happy place"). And it is definitely not money. Although, having just enough in the bank to cover the risk of the unknown certainly reduces my nervousness! In the past, fear would have had me holding on my possessions so tightly - giving them human emotions, as if i am cutting a friend out of my life when i get rid of an old singlet. But now i have been able to give away a heap of my possessions without the usual accompanying fear of lack. Yes, it is slightly annoying to give away things I know that I will just have to buy again when I move, but HEY! I live in a world where I CAN. I am lucky enough that I can up and leave my situation, and make myself a new life without drama. I can tell the world "this situation does not suit me, I want change" and actually go forward with it. In that, I am the most blessed person in the world.
I am not ready. There are a thousand things I could do and organise before leaving. Actually finding a house would be one. But, in the wise words of Lemony Snickett "If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives" (Thanks Lachlan G. for the inspiration). So I am DOING before I am ready. I am taking the knowledge that so far in life, I have come out with all my limbs (and organs) despite all the weird and wonderful situations I have been in. The best case scenario outweighs my "worst case scenarios" by ten-fold. i have to be brave enough to do this so that I can literally be "the change I want to see in the world". If I keep telling people to be brave and take what they want from life, I need to be a good role model and prove that the unknown can be better than the known. The fear of the unknown isn't real. And if we really love ourselves, we will have faith enough in our own abilities to slay whatever dragon comes our way (in this situation, the only Dragon was me!).
So, in saying that, LET'S PACK FOR OUR NEW LIFE!
"Why is it so cold.... seriously..... Can't elves just pack my car for me?"
"But I am moving to Melbourne!!!!"
Nb. Apologies to all my grammar/spelling Nazi (oooooh I need to find a better word - I am propogating a bad stereotype -spelling "Commander"?) friends for the lack of capitalised "I" or lack of commas.... my cold has meant that the entire 8, i, k, , row spontaneously stops working...... so I have been relegated to ctrl+v to paste letters. And I just couldn't be bothered changing the i to an I.
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